Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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