He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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