My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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