he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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