Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
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