I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
