yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
