i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
