Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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