Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Redeem this text for a blowjob
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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