Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
