I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
