my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We are all done wearing pants today
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
