Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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