Don't make out with my wife yet
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
