Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
my poor anus
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
