You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
