I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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