The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
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You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
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I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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