When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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