i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
