man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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