The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
