plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
