a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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