My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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