my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
