Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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