he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
