can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
