don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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