and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
