having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
