I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
