Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
