so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Boobs speak an international language.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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