Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
