Please, let me fuck your mom
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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