i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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