I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
