you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
