just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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