By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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