rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
