upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Life is so much better after having sex.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
