I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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