The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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