Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
