he wants to bone in the snuggie
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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