They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
