Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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