I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
