you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
