I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
