It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
