A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
